With last weeks game a write off yet again due to the perilous conditions blessed upon the hallow turf at Normaston park you might like me be left wondering what to do on a weekend? Well I went crazy and went to Asda to ‘help’ with the weekly shop, fuck me, never again. If I have to stay at home under the pretence of ‘doing jobs’ I will, even if it also means I have to build an ark I will, anything to avoid the Lowestoft Asda which seemed to be a haven for inbred chavs.
With the weather resembling something you would come to expect in Moscow you have to wonder if we will play this weekends game? I know certain members of the PB squad will be hoping it’s off in a bid to avoid missing further games. Crocked Vinny Terry heading up the list after his ‘knee of a 60 year old’ gave way in our last game, the crab being another un available for selection due to double booking himself with his monthly anal bleaching.
Never fear lads, if we do nothing else this Saturday we will be doing something, and that my friends is go to the city of dreams to take 6months off our liver, to quote Neil banks, "the promised land awaits". As Dan mentioned the bus is booked for a 7pm pick up from Potblack and returning, I hope, at 2am but If like me and hairy jowls you are offensively handsome and you take very little effort in making yourself look like a raging stud you will take full advantage of the cheap alcohol on offer at PBHQ and arrive as early as possible. Good news; at 3.14pm last Saturday BBC news reported a smile adorning Ian’s face when he realised the game was off and he wouldn’t have to serve any post match teas or coffee’s! So I thinks its only fair we make his day and arrive on mass and test our third fourth favourite bar tenders temperament, I’m sure another smile is on the cards this week; if only we could see it under his 2foot tash!
Booking such an occasion for the illustrious ‘Holland of Lowestoft’ can prove tricky as getting hold of certain players and further more getting them to commit to a night out is like trying to get Boydie to sit on the bench in a Hearts game. Sadly this week we lost two more good men, Gav Hunt and Mark Landsdale. This adds to a list containing Scotty ‘Too Hotty’ Reynolds who will be celebrating his girlfriends 21st with a dirty weekend in London, "sorry Scotty if you’d asked earlier I could have lent you the toys". Also on the list of no shows is Ross Jones who is currently attending fat camp in San Francisco; he is said to be doing well after a bad start on the first day where he attempted to eat 4 peoples dinner and the camps pet gerbil. Further no shows include Gary and Darren Boyd who are attending a sheep shearing event in Essex where they are hoping to pose as the dark faced Norfolk breed in a vain attempt to loose some chest hair. As for Gav he had to bow out as its his wife Donna’s turn to hit the tiles, he wont mess with her as last time he tried to cross her she got pregnant.
Lastly Mark ‘Desperate Dan’ Landsdale. Unlike Gav, Mark has a more elaborate story for his no show for the all stars hitting Norwich. Mark is now pushing 42 and his body and ability to handle alcohol is flailing. Credit where credit is due though, his ambition and enthusiasm far outweigh any ability to consume booze but sometime in life you have to accept the things you can no longer change and when you return home at 11pm after only going out at 9pm then proceeding to puke all up the walls and all over the carpet in a newly decorated room you have to accept its time to call a halt to your attempt to behave like a young buck. The simple fact is Mark despite making two of most of us your days of drinking for two people are over. You are in danger of becoming your father in law, yes a modern day legend in David Edmunds when it comes to drinking. We all know the picture of Daisy passed out in Stansted Airport dressed as a pervert, before we even left British soil, well your not far off old cock!
With every could there is a silver lining and as two men fall two men step up, waiting to pounce on an empty seat like Kev Sherwood waiting to protest a Kevin Batty decision was dance off Champion of Champions Jamie Butcher, early reports suggest he is odds on favourite in a 1am Dance off in Optic. Also laying in wait was Sunday team and Jam front man Kezza Wardrope. He is recently out of prison after doing 8 months for filming up ladies skirts with the old ‘video camera in a bag’ trick. He was finally caught under Cromer Pier pleasuring himself but was recently released for good behaviour. He is still suffering from his starvation attempt and is visibly frail but thankfully he has bulked up enough to attend. In a statement for the PB website Kez has credited his turn around to Adam Bird and his exemplary dietary advice.
With big names on Saturday’s bill such as Banks, Sherwood, Sterry, Wall, Mckinley, Collins and Laws it has all the ingredients for a classic PB night out so If you didn’t get back to me shame on you, we’ll toast a drink for those stuck in front of Cuming on Ice and Blind Date but bare this in mind, myself and the Crab are close to finalising a deal for the annual PB tour. Names are already being pencilled in and with the destination we have lined up it is sure to be an absolute corker. The final pearl of wisdom I will dispense in this gallant amount of waffle is worth remembering ......poor is a man who’s pleasures depend on the permission of another… see you Saturday home boys!
