Hello readers! Yet again I have left a noticeable gap between my memoirs, this time due to the fact I have been suffering from Cat Aids after Banksy’s stag do. Yes Danny ‘Jive talking’ McKinley was right, I did slightly over do it on Banksy’s stag do and as a result haven’t left my bed for about a week. After 3 days of cold sweats, shivering, involuntary convulsions and lucid dreams involving gimp masks and Jagermeister, I decided it was best I get professional help. The Doctor couldn’t believe what he was seeing when I turned up. He thought I had escaped from a prisoner of war camp as I looked like I had spent a month at Belsen, I was gaunt with sunken eyes, a swollen stomach and a rib cage resembling a xylophone – but then I always have that. As he looked into my mouth and nearly passed out as a waft of stale alcohol engulfed the room, he shook his head and the lifted the eyelids of my now yellow eyes. He took my blood but could unfortunately only get ‘Maddog’ so he sat down in his chair and uttered the words, “what have you done to yourself!?” It was said with almost disbelief, how could a man be this close to death and still be standing? And it wasn’t even my stag do. I felt like shit and it was visible to all, I didn’t need a doctor to tell me that I just wanted him to help me! He diagnosed me with Laryngitis amongst other things including sleep deprivation, severe dehydration and anal bleeding….I couldn’t explain that one… With a course of antibiotics and plenty of rest I should be right as rain he tells me. But he did leave me with one piece of useful advice which I shall take with me, “drink plenty”, in fact his exact words were “drink for England my boy”. Thanks doc, I’ll see you down PBHQ for some shooters on the 31st!!
So Banksy somehow managed to survive his little trip. It’s hard to believe when an hour into the coach ride he was soiling himself and showing everyone his hairy spider. I would love to upload some pics but I stupidly lost my mobile in the back of a Polish cab! Pictures of Martel topless are currently available on just about every polish site across the net as we speak, so are ones of me and Danny dressed as sailors in crotch less pants, and Adam Tantony pleasuring a camel.
Despite the fact we did cartwheels outside heaven or in my case hells door we had an awesome time. Krakow is a brilliant place and already there are rumors of it being the next PB on tour destination. I have to say rumors as some people might not be allowed another one!
I won’t tell too many stories as the pictures will probably say it all but I will give you my some of my highlights:
Neil spewing on himself and then all of us making him a walking piece of art work – something that didn’t wash off the whole weekend!
The look on Neil’s face when he realised that we had swapped all of his clothes at PBHQ for a load of women’s clothes and horrendous outfits...genius, at first he thought he had got someone else’s suitcase but then he soon understood this was all he had to wear all weekend!!
Deciding not to have a cat nap Friday afternoon and instead carrying on drinking with Dan ‘jive talking’ Mckinley, Ross ‘is anyone having a starter’ Jones, Steve ‘Di Marco’ Collins, Dan ‘18th wind’ Rose, and The French Canadian Moose, after 10 minutes sleep since Thursday night…
Eating receipt whilst blind drunk Friday night
Being called a ‘prick’ and ‘difficult’ by our your guide Dorota, lovely girl, lovely!
Drinking from a puddle with Scotty to Hotty – man that tasted foul.
Hearing of Neils brother Mark drinking his own urine.
Watching Neil zorbing in the Borat Mankini….mmmmm nice
Then watching him sprint to the top of the hill and have to down raspberry vodka.
Giving Neil an almighty slap after telling me he was gonna puke on me whilst in the zorbing ball and then have one of the polish staff cock back his arm ready to unload a right hook on me… video footage to follow
Neil in his many outfits, personal fav; the green dress…pics to follow.
The five man shower!! Yeah say no more. Rosey I know you have video footage and for the sake of all men you best keep that too yourself.
Dan and Pecker wrestling naked covered in shaving foam….like something from ‘when fat camp goes bad’
Gluing pecker’s toes together whilst he slept after he kicked a hole in the bathroom door trying to bite Danny’s ankles.
Mark Banks pissing on pecker in his sleep for breaking the door and giving him one-two many kidney punches.
Watching Neil retch time and time again and nothing come up, my favorite was in the hostel bathroom where he was curled up shivering naked trying to bring something up! video footage to follow.
Neil doing star jumps in the Borat Makini in a packed sports bar just before the Grand National started and then getting the bumps, yeah it all fell out!!
Seeing a tray turn up at our table which had a bottle of vodka on ice and 15 cans of red bull, what sort of a round is that?!! It all went though!
Neil done up as a transvestite, and being led on a dog lead. The unshaven face topped it off lovely.
Landsy and his 41 nuggets and 300 pint diet, he lost a pound in 4 days!!
Benny Hill the cleaner and her amazingly fresh armpits
Me throwing up so hard on the return flight that I sharted my pants
There are soo many more and I have probably forgot some of the best ones but I’m sure as time goes by pictorial evidence will remind me. It just leaves me to say ‘BRING ON McKINLEY, you’re time is almost up’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS – I could of swore we all used to play football, it’s more like some sort of shit Priory clinic now?!!
